032

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The epilogue, or maybe, the punch line of this story.

Or maybe I should call it the finish line instead.

That night, I had this dream.

“The motivation for justice is almost always its envy of evil. And the motivation for evil is an antipathy for justice. Old people are always lecturing the young because they’re jealous of youth, while children’s disobedience springs first and foremost from envying adults’ stock of experience. Underlings can’t wait to supplant their strutting superiors, while those superiors long for their days as an underling with no responsibilities. The poor dream of being wealthy, while the wealthy covet the freedom of the poor. Single people long to be married, but once they have a family they mourn their old life as a swinging bachelor. Wasn’t this story basically like that for you, Suruga?”

At this point I was thoroughly used to my mother’s high-handed manner of speaking, but something was different about that night’s dream. This time, I answered back.

“No, mother, it was not,” I said.

Recalling as I said it,Oh yeah, this is the stiff, formal tone I used when I spoke to her.

It wasn’t that I felt distant from her.

It’s just that I felt like I needed to adopt that attitude in dealing with her; that’s the kind of person she was─there was respect, but there was also fear.

Either way, it was no way to talk to your mother.

But I kept it up anyway.

It was too late to change.

“This was a story about having fun with an old acquaintance I happened to run into─”

My mother appeared to snort derisively at my words, and from the fact that she said nothing more, maybe she took them as nothing but bluster.

Well, so be it.

The Elektra Complex aside, mothers and daughters had to confront, and to face off against, each other─because I knew that occasion would present itself someday, there was no need to eschew conflict in these dreams and hallucinations.

Kaiki seemed to have some emotional attachment to my mother, but that didn’t mean I had to feel the same way─he said it himself: just because someone likes someone doesn’t mean I have to like them too.

And the idea that I should be grateful to her for leaving me with that insane object is messed up to begin with─though that’s probably not quite so black and white as it appears, either.

The time would surely come when I would be grateful to my mother.

The day would arrive when I could understand how she felt.

But that day was not today, and it wasn’t tomorrow.

Until I pulled ahead of my mother, or at the very least caught up with her─I would never understand how she felt.

“If you can’t be medicine, be poison. Otherwise you’re nothing but water─though that girl, who wasn’t medicine or poison, and was water, might have been muddy water. What about you, Suruga, what are you?”

“A flash flood? Andwateryou?”

“Groan.”

Not even a smile.

Well, it was a terrible joke.

And that─is why I’m not interesting.

“’Kay, mother. See you.”

“Yeah, see you.”

And then I woke up.

Or rather, I was woken up.

And it wasn’t by my grandma or grandpa; I was woken up by my dear senior of all people.

“Huh? Wha? Why the hell are you at my bedside, Araragi-senpai?! I-It can’t be…”

“Don’t worry, that’s not it.”

Apparently he’d come to drop in on me, and my grandma had given him an all-access pass to my bedroom.You can go right on in. Go ahead and wake her up.

Such lax security.

“What do you know about security, sleeping buck naked like that… You know, seeing you naked doesn’t do a thing for me anymore.”

“That line deserves a lawsuit.”

“Even seeing my little sisters naked is more arousing.”

“A double trial.”

“I’ve got two sisters so make it a triple.”

“When do you see your sisters totally naked?”

“When I strip off their clothes, for starters.”

“How about we skip the trial and get straight to the sentence?”

“Guess I’d better hurry up and get tidying, then.”

And just like that he rousted me from bed.

It was Saturday, and by rights I should have been at school, but I’d slept until noon─so I couldn’t really complain about being woken up like that.

But my showdown with Numachi had, in a way, been more intense than my all-night run, so I probably needed the sleep.

My muscles were sore, yes… But there was psychic damage as well, which was no surprise seeing as I had just been through a paranormal experience.

I’d like to rest just a little bit longer, if you don’t mind─I thought, but I couldn’t give my senior the cold shoulder when he’d come all this way to clean my room, and for the first time in a while.

The appointment for today’s cleanup had been made during our previous encounter─and to tell the truth, I’d planned to ask him for advice if I hadn’t resolved things with Numachi by this point.

His visit was my insurance.

Maybe that was a sign of weakness on my part, but I’m not sure I would’ve had the courage to act without that policy in place.

“Damn, look at this mess! I’ve only been gone a little while.”

“That’s how I roll.”

“Why so proud… I’ll never catch up at this rate, even if I clean the place twice a month.”

“No, no, no. This is the last time I’m going to impose on your kindness.”

“Oh yeah?”

I got dressed, and together we started cleaning up my room─in the past, when he was nice enough to do this for me, I just waited in the hall so as not to get in the way, but this time he let me help him.

It was my room, after all, so helping was the least I could do.

As we worked, I told him about everything that had happened since the start of the new term─now I could tell him.

When all was said and done, and when I said everything that had been done, the whole thing didn’t seem like such a big deal─still, I wanted to tell him.

“Wow. You really stuck to your guns. And─sounds like it was rough.”

Those were his thoughts on the matter.

“No…it wasn’t so bad.”

“Sure it was. You’re always too hard on yourself, for better or for worse. If it was me, I would’ve thrown in the towel.”

“But it was you I was trying to emulate…”

“Haven’t I told you? You’re really overestimating me─you’re a way more amazing person than I am.”

He wasn’t just blowing smoke up my ass, and he wasn’t saying it just to make me feel better. He must have meant it.

But I still think that if it were him, the tale would have developed in a neater way.

“Oh, Araragi-senpai. I’ve got a favor to ask.”

“Mm?”

“It’s about the mummified devil parts I collected from Numachi. I’m having a pretty hard time disposing of them. Do you think you could take care of them for me?”

“I don’t see why not, but what should I do?”

“I was thinking you could give them to Shinobu as a snack.”

“Ah…gotcha. That’ll certainly take care of the problem once and for all. But, uh, don’t they have some kind of cultural value?”

“The second I got my hands on them, they ran out of luck.”

They were fresh out of their infernal luck.

I could always sell them to Kaiki, but if I did, who knows what nefarious uses he might put them to.

It felt right somehow for them to provide nutrition to a little girl.

A fitting end for a devil.

“Other people’s misery is like sweet nectar, huh? Doesn’t make much sense to me. Listening to people’s pity-bragging would just bore the shit out of me.”

“I bet it would. There can’t be many people unhappier than you, my dear senior.”

“Dumbass. I’m the happiest person in the world.”

“Sure you are. But what would you do? If you could wish for anything, what would you wish for?”

“Tough call. I’ve got too many wishes, I don’t think I’d be able to decide.”

“Hm…I guess that’s true for most people.”

That’s the thing about wishes.

There are too many to choose from.

And you shouldn’t choose.

You really shouldn’t make that kind of pick.

Because the second you choose─your wish stops being a wish and becomes a strong will.

The kind of strong will that’s apt to wound you, and others.

You’ve got to be conscious of that.

You can’t just lightly, childishly pick a wish like you’re blowing out the candles on a birthday cake or sitting on Santa’s lap.

Even three wishes is narrowing it down too much.

You should be choosing, not from among wishes neatly lined up on a shelf─but something else entirely.

Like who you are.

Or how you live your life.

Or what path you’re going to take─that kind of thing.

I want it to be─that kind of thing.

“Only one, huh? I think I know what it would be. If only Karen weren’t my sister…”

“Anything but that.”

“No, you’re right, if she wasn’t my sister anymore that would defeat the whole purpose. Maybe if she was my stepsister… No, but the stepsister thing would be like exploiting a legal loophole, I’d feel guilty. I want her to be my real sister, all open and aboveboard. In which case, yeah, I’d want the law to be changed instead─”

“Is Karen…going to be okay?”

He took my casual question seriously and sank into thought, which made me seriously worried.

“What are you worried about? Karen’s going to be fine,” he assured me. “I’m going to take good care of her, for the rest of our lives.”

“…”

I was speechless.

Where was life going to take this guy?

I was more unsettled than worried.

But─as long as they’re mere wishes and nothing more, then no restrictions.

Never mind three, have however many you want.

“In any case,” my senior Araragi switched gears─he acted as though all of it had been idle chatter, which I don’t think was true, but in any event, he switched gears. “It doesn’t matter whether wishes come true or not. Wishes are something you grant yourself, which means they may not actually come true, but I think the act of wishing is already worthwhile in and of itself.”

“Wishing─in and of itself?”

“Yeah. Whether or not you can get what you wished for, knowing what it’d be is a good thing to learn about yourself. What do you desire, what do you want to be, what kind of person are you─if you don’t learn that about yourself, you’ll lose your way in a snap.”

“I wonder if that’s why that person left me the Monkey’s Paw…”

“O kişi mi? Ha, anneni mi diyorsun? Evet… Aslında kim bilir. Çocuklar, ebeveynlerinin kafasında ne halt döndüğünü asla anlayamaz.”

Konu hakkında tuhaf bir şekilde duygusal konuştu.

Belki de ailesinin ona aldığı arabayı düşünüyordu; çünkü onlarla hiç anlaşamadığını söylerdi hep.

Mesele neydi bilmiyordum ve sormaya da niyetim yoktu.

Hmm.

Anlıyorum.

O kişinin bana asla bir çocuk gibi davranmadığını düşünürdüm hep, ama aslında…

Bana başından beri bir kızı gibi davranmış olabilir.

Tek ve sevgili kızı olarak.

…Neyse, buna hayalperestlik denir işte.

Odamdaki tüm gereksiz ıvır zıvır katmanlarını temizlemek saatler sürdü ve bu iş bitince, gün için planlarımın ancak yarısı tamamlanmıştı.

Büyükannem ve büyükbabamla biraz çay keyfi yaptıktan sonra, şimdi pırıl pırıl olan odamın zeminine gazete serdim, omuzlarıma bir havlu attım ve elinde makasla hazır bekleyen Senpai Araragi’ye sırtımı döndüm.

“Bundan emin misin?”

“Evet. Serbestsin.”

Planın bu ikinci yarısına ancak bir gece önce karar vermiştim, bu yüzden bilmiyordu. Makası şakır şakır açıp kaparken dedi ki, “Ne yazık. Bu saç modeli sana çok yakışıyordu.”

“Evet, ben de severim ama spor yapmaya hiç uygun değil.”

“Biliyor musun, bir kızın saçını üçüncü kesişimim bu.”

“Ne hayat ama…”

“Yani aslında bayağı alışkınım. Ama gittiğin bir salon yok mu senin?”

“Var,” dedim, “ama sen kesmeni istedim.”

“Neden ki?”

“Çünkü bu bir dönüm noktası.”

Hıh, başını salladı.

Ne demek istediğimi anladığını sanmıyorum ve sormamasına gerçekten minnettar kaldım.

“Ah. Araragi-senpai, beni bir yere bırakabilir misin?”

“Elbette, nereye?”

“Numachi’nin mezarını ziyaret etmeyi düşünüyordum.”

“Ah… O zaman, Tsukihi’den yerini senin için bulmasını isteyebiliriz.”

“Evet… Bir yanım Numachi’nin mirasını sürdürmek ve şeytanın kalan parçalarını bulmak istiyor, ama bunu gerçekten yapacağımı sanmıyorum.”

“En iyisi bu. Tüm yükü tek başına üstlenemezsin. Şeytanlar söz konusu olduğunda, parçalar halinde dağılmış olmaları zaten daha güvenli. Tamam, hazır mısın? Başlıyorum.”

Başlayacağını duyurdu ve saçımı bir sprey şişesiyle nemlendirdi.

“…”

Roka Numachi.

Kendi hayatını bir masala değil, bir sonsöze benzetmişti. Sanırım bunu, kariyerine dönüp bakan eski bir tiyatrocunun anıları gibi görüyordu. Bu durumda, topladıkları (hem mutsuzluk hem de şeytan) emekli birinin hobileri gibiydi.

Onu kurtardığıma bir an bile inanmıyorum.

Onu kurtardığım hiçbir şekilde doğru değil.

Elbette, belki onu verimsiz bir uğraştan kurtardım, ama dünyada kim ona o boşa harcanmış zamanı çok görebilirdi ki?

Ben kesinlikle onun ebeveyni değilim, öyleyse kimim ki birine zamanını boşa harcama hakkını reddedeyim?

Yani sonunda araya girdiğimi hissediyorum ve Numachi sol kolumu bana geri veren kişi olduğuna göre, bu beni ne kadar da nankör bir sefil yapar.

Ama başka ne yapabilirdim ki?

Ve şimdi, dua etmekten başka ne yapabilirim ki?

İlk ve tek yüzleşmemizin onun için eğlenceli geçtiğine dua ediyorum.

Tanrı’ya iman etmek gibi, Şeytan’a yalvarmak gibi.

Tek yapabileceğim dua etmek.

İnsan olarak sonu sefil olsa bile, bir anomali olarak sonu öyle değildi. Sadece dua edebilirim.

Onu tutan şeyin, benimle, Suruga Kanbaru ile asla ciddi bir şekilde karşı karşıya gelmemiş olmanın pişmanlığı olduğunu düşünmek hoşuma gidiyor.

Bir şeytanla oynamak istemiyordu.

Benimle oynamak istiyordu.

İşte bu yüzden o üç yılı.

Bundan sonra ikimiz için de oynayacağım gibi hoş bir cümleyle bitirsem her şey güzel bağlanırdı. Ama asla bu kadar arsız olamam.

Ben öyle biri değilim.

Yine de onun azminden ders almak istiyorum. Çünkü mezarın ötesinde bile uğraşlarına tutunma azmi bende eksik olan bir şey.

Aklıma gelmişken, bugün gazeteye henüz bakmadım. Neyse, bir gün idare eder herhalde. Ya da iki gün, ya da üç.

Ve belki de rahat uyuyabilirim?

Kendini suçlamak pişmanlık değildir.

Kendini hırpalamak da öyle.

Bu tür bir kendini kırbaçlama ceza değildir.

Verimsiz bir uğraşa dalmış, sürekli arkana bakıp geçmişi gözden geçirmek yerine, bir noktada dönüp hayatının geri kalanına yüzleşmen gerekir.

Karşılaşmalar ve ayrılıklar.

Sıra düzenleri ve sınıf görevleri.

Öğrenerek, mezun olarak ve sonra tüm bunları tekrar yaparak bir yetişkin olacağım.

Bir şeyler elde etmek, bir şeyler kaybetmek, deneyimlemek, unutmak; gelecekteki benliğimi böyle şekillendireceğim.

Bu hissi neredeyse kesinlikle unutacağım.

Bu yüzden geçmişteki veya gelecekteki değil, şimdiki benliğimi yaşamalıyım.

Hayır.

Yaşamak istiyorum.

Araragi-senpai’nin elindeki bıçaklar saçımda işe koyuldu.

Şırak.

Canımı acıttı, sanki saçımı değil de etimi kesiyormuş gibiydi, ama o acı nadir bir hediyeydi.

Dileyemeyeceğim bir deneyim.

“Kanbaru. Eminim insanlar ne yaptığını öğrendiklerinde türlü türlü şeyler düşünecekler. Doğru yaptığını düşünenler de olacak, yanlış yaptığını düşünenler de. Ama mesele bu değil. Başkalarının ne diyeceğine kulak asma. Çünkü sen doğru bir şey de yapmadın, yanlış bir şey de,” dedi sevgili senpai'm, saçımın uçlarını düzeltirken. Bana bu kadar nazik konuştuğu başka bir zamanı hatırlamıyordum. “Senin yaptığın, senin gençliğindi.”